Today in my store I saw someone who looked, sounded, and acted so much like my brother Matthew I had to do a double-take when I saw him. Seems silly to me now, upon reflection — nearly two years after my brother’s death an I’m still having a hard time accepting the reality of the situation. Is this some weird form of long-term coping? Has my distance from my grieving mother made it more difficult to realize what tragedy has happened to our small, but close, nuclear family of three?
Seeing this doppelganger has also churned up a lot of the old regrets I was swamped with upon Matthew’s passing. Anything I was told or anything I red told me that regrets were a typical part of “the grieving process”. But I feel them so much, even to this day. I regret not being nicer and more “big brother-ish” to him when we were kids. I REALLY regret not staying in contact with him more, or visiting more, or eMailing more, or doing whatever it took to be a positive influence in his life. Was I really the horrible, worthless brother I feel like I am, or am I just transferring the grief I feel into feelings of guilt? Only a psychiatrist would be able to figure that out.
Sorry to be such a bummer, but venting really helps. And that’s what blogs were made for, right?