Last week the internet almost LITERALLY exploded due to the official announcement that Nintendo will officially announce the Wii’s successor at E3 this year. As is the nature of video game journalists, speculation and rumors are flying left at right. What follows is ROBOAWESOME EXCLUSIVE (read: fake) info regarding the new console that you can feel free to throw out into the rumor mill.
1. The console, codenamed “Project Cafe” will release under the name “WiiWii”. This is to make sure gamers know that this console is twice as amazing as the Wii. Plus, Nintendo really liked all the potty humor surrounding the Wii’s release so they figured they’d make the jokes easier and more obvious this time around.
2. The WiiWii will finally make Nintendo known for being a graphical powerhouse thanks to it’s patented “Dual Wii Processor” — which is to say, the WiiWii will just be two Wiis duct taped together.
3. The codename “Project Cafe” stems from the fact that the WiiWii will have a built-in cappuccino maker. It will perform the entire process for you — from roasting and grinding the beans, to foaming your milk. Now gamers will have the perfect source of late night gaming fuel!
4. To tie in to this coffee theme, Nintendo has decided to rip off Sony for a change by creating their own twist on Playstation Network’s “Home”. Dubbed “Mii-bucks”, this virtual hang out is replacing the current Mii Plaza and is styled just like a big city Starbucks coffee shop. Players can log on and watch their Miis look pretentious and aloof while they sip digital overpriced lattes and soak up fake free WiFi.
5. To take immersion to a whole new level, they can program their WiiWii to dispense the same beverage their Mii is drinking.
6. The WiiWii will feature enhanced motion controls via the WiiWiimote Belt. Now all of those hula hoop games you’ve come to know and love can be played with 100% accuracy. If you’re a fan of shooters, imagine ducking and rolling IN REAL LIFE and seeing the corresponding action happen on-screen.
7. If the 3DS has taught Nintendo anything, it’s that just because an idea failed once, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it again a few years later. Nintendo has decided to bring back the Power Glove for players to handle their WiiWiis with. The new Power Glove is vastly upgraded from the early 90s one. Utilizing a very technical process which involved a lot of wire and several rolls of duct tape, Nintendo’s crack team of engineers brought this antiquated controller into the 21st century.
8. A version of the 3DS’s Street Pass system will be available on the WiiWii. Players slip their WiiWiimotes into their pocket, and when they pass another player their WiiWiis will wirelessly exchange incredibly relevant information about the other player, such as their astrological sign or who their top pick is for the winner of this season’s American Idol. It is currently rumored that due to the nature of this exchange your WiiWii could contract a virus if you connect with more than one WiiWii in a 24 hour period.
9. There is buzz over a “WiiWii Health Channel” being launched with the console. By using the tiny camera built in to the WiiWiiRemote, you can take pictures of all your mysterious scrapes, rashes, and secretions. The WiiWii will connect to an internet medical database to help you diagnose your ailment. You can also plug the previously unreleased Vitality Sensor into your WiiWii for an enhanced prognosis.
10. Using the aforementioned camera, your WiiWii can LITERALLY CHANGE THE WORLD AROUND YOU! This is all done through the magic of Augmented Reality, or AR for short. Use the magic of your WiiWii to create images of dragons bursting out of your dining room table, or Mario stomping Goombas on your cat’s butt — the possibilities are endless!
What would YOU like your WiiWii to do? Project fully 3D environments into your living room like the Holodeck on Star Trek: The Next Generation, or perhaps just electronically beam information straight into your brain? The is an infinite amount of fake “Wii 2” rumors we could start here, but there is only a little less than two months to let the rampant speculation fly! Tell us all about your wildest WiiWii dreams in the comments below!
Wii humor at its finest.