Mar 272011
 

Hello. My name is Aron, and I’m a Pokeholic. Since the ripe old age of 16 I have been engrossed in the world of these adorable, pocketable monsters. Collecting, breeding, trading, battling — I have plunged my fingers into each of the proverbial pies that are the different facets of this long running video game franchise. What follows are four reasons why I should probably get a grip on my addiction.
1. That adorable Pikachu hat is about three sizes too small, but I just can’t stop wearing it.
Nothing quite says “Pokeholic” like a 30 year old man waiting in line to buy a Pokemon game…who is wearing a Pikachu hat. If you happen to be lucky enough to live in Chicago and you see me wearing the aforementioned hat, look carefully into my eyes. Are they glazed over? Do I seem to be looking right through you? That’s because my beloved hat is made for a pygmy infant’s head, and I have stretched it to fit my own colossal melon. It is cutting off the circulation to my brain and it should be immediately removed before I lose any more brain cells.

Help me...PLEASE!

2. When I try to talk to kids about Pokemon, their parents look at me like I’m a sex offender.
“Hey little kid, what’s your name? Wanna mingle our trainer records?” If I had a dime for every time a mom slapped me in the mouth when I said that to her pre-teen, I’d probably have at least a buck fifty. One time at IHOP I offered to show a better method for shaking his Pokewalker and the manager threw me out. I wish the world would understand there is absolutely NOTHING sexual about Pokemon — the adorable critters don’t even have sex themselves for goodness sake!

3. I’ve become really, really confused about how babies are made.
While we’re on the topic of Pokemon and sex, I should mention that one of my favorite things to do in Pokemon is to breed them at the daycare. I like to see what kind of unusual moves and amazing stats I can get the parents to pass on to their offspring. Every time you go to the daycare to collect your new egg, the daycare man basically says to you:
“Ohmigosh, I don’t know where it cam from but I just blinked my eyes for a second and then your Pokemon was holding an egg!”


If the man who is running the sleazy PokeMotel doesn’t even know how babies are made, how should I?

4. Rule 34 Pokemon images are burned into my brain…forever.
Rule 34 of the internet states, “If it exists, there is a porn of it.”

'Nuff Said

I won’t bore you with any more of the ways Pokemon has seeped into inappropriate aspects of my life, because trust me when I say there are tons. My addiction was bad before, but with the recent release of Pokemon Black, I have become a whole new type of fiend. While you wait for my review of Pokemon Black, which will be posted on the site later this week, go ahead and let us know how Pokemon is ruining your life in the comments section below!

  2 Responses to “Pokemon Is Ruining My Life”

  1. That PIkachu hat is pretty outstanding actually.
    I don't know. I got way out of Pokemon after Red and Blue but I picked up Pearl and was pleasantly surprised. I do want to get White but I just don't have the time anymore. That's the only thing that Pokemon games have a knack for ruining in my life. Its 8 PM and I decide to fight a few battles and level up a Pokemon. Then I feel tired, look at the clock, and see its now 1 AM. Without a big commute I just don't have the time and I always find a way to make time…usually at the expense of my sleep schedule.
    Also not all Pokemon Rule 34 images are bad…or so I've been told…

  2. Excellent article. It reminds me of my past and totally makes me feel bad for your present (it is a difficult world to escape my friend, best of luck). I ran away from Pokemon after I played Pokemon Blue, but was dragged back for Yellow, then ran again only to get dragged in by the N64 games which allowed you to play the gameboy version on a big boy TV. Sounds great but it really is just another way of sneaking into your life. Then I played Pokemon trading cards and finally found my escape. That game was boring enough to get me free. I will never return (even though they Pokemon Black does look awesome).

    Note: If you want to stop playing Pokemon the best way to escape the world is to attempt to watch the Pokemon movies, by the third movie you will want to kill the Trainer and Pikachu (those bastards need to get a room)

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