Hello. My name is Aron, and I’m a Pokeholic. Since the ripe old age of 16 I have been engrossed in the world of these adorable, pocketable monsters. Collecting, breeding, trading, battling — I have plunged my fingers into each of the proverbial pies that are the different facets of this long running video game franchise. What follows are four reasons why I should probably get a grip on my addiction.
1. That adorable Pikachu hat is about three sizes too small, but I just can’t stop wearing it.
Nothing quite says “Pokeholic” like a 30 year old man waiting in line to buy a Pokemon game…who is wearing a Pikachu hat. If you happen to be lucky enough to live in Chicago and you see me wearing the aforementioned hat, look carefully into my eyes. Are they glazed over? Do I seem to be looking right through you? That’s because my beloved hat is made for a pygmy infant’s head, and I have stretched it to fit my own colossal melon. It is cutting off the circulation to my brain and it should be immediately removed before I lose any more brain cells.
2. When I try to talk to kids about Pokemon, their parents look at me like I’m a sex offender.
“Hey little kid, what’s your name? Wanna mingle our trainer records?” If I had a dime for every time a mom slapped me in the mouth when I said that to her pre-teen, I’d probably have at least a buck fifty. One time at IHOP I offered to show a better method for shaking his Pokewalker and the manager threw me out. I wish the world would understand there is absolutely NOTHING sexual about Pokemon — the adorable critters don’t even have sex themselves for goodness sake!
3. I’ve become really, really confused about how babies are made.
While we’re on the topic of Pokemon and sex, I should mention that one of my favorite things to do in Pokemon is to breed them at the daycare. I like to see what kind of unusual moves and amazing stats I can get the parents to pass on to their offspring. Every time you go to the daycare to collect your new egg, the daycare man basically says to you:
“Ohmigosh, I don’t know where it cam from but I just blinked my eyes for a second and then your Pokemon was holding an egg!”
If the man who is running the sleazy PokeMotel doesn’t even know how babies are made, how should I?
4. Rule 34 Pokemon images are burned into my brain…forever.
Rule 34 of the internet states, “If it exists, there is a porn of it.”
I won’t bore you with any more of the ways Pokemon has seeped into inappropriate aspects of my life, because trust me when I say there are tons. My addiction was bad before, but with the recent release of Pokemon Black, I have become a whole new type of fiend. While you wait for my review of Pokemon Black, which will be posted on the site later this week, go ahead and let us know how Pokemon is ruining your life in the comments section below!