According to the new Gaydar plugin that RoboAwesome’s crack team of software engineers has developed, a vast majority of our visitors are heterosexual men. Despite this fact (which I just made up), I feel it is my duty as a blatantly homosexual video game fiend to push this site’s content just slightly into the realm of rainbows and glitter. It is out of this sense of obligation to fellow gay gamers that RoboGay was born. I hope it will be a recurring feature that offers a queer look at the butchest video games and their leading men.
For the first installment of RoboGay we will be taking a look at the first God of War game, and the god of war himself: Kratos. For those of you who don’t know anything about this game, allow me to bring you up to speed. Kratos was a Spartan general who was notorious for being a lean, mean, killing machine. One day he was battling some barbarian, who unfortunately looked NOTHING like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Conan movies. The barbarian was getting the best of Kratos, so he called up his sugar daddy Ares for help. Ares showed up just in the nick of time, laid waste to Kratos’s enemies, and gave him some kinky-looking wrist adornments to boot! Those chains with their sword charms probably came from a gift shop at ancient Greece’s one and only S&M Club. Unfortunately, this gift didn’t come without a cost; Kratos had to pledge to spend the rest of his life servicing Ares, but not like that you dirty birdie. Get your mind out of the gutter!
The master/slave relationship was working out well until Ares committed the ultimate relationship faux pas by tricking Kratos into killing his whole family. Obviously Ares was a jealous little bitch and wanted Kratos all to himself. Then an old lady cursed Kratos with an awful complexion, he dug around in the sand for some lady’s box, died and undied then killed Ares.
Well-timed button presses become an essential part in the most heated battles, which makes God of War a button masher. Normally this type of control scheme would be a huge bore, but who wouldn’t be interested in
mashing a few of Kratos’s buttons? It’s a shame Nintendo didn’t pick up on this title before Sony, because not only would motion controls have been great with God of War, but any gay gamer would love to play with their Wii while keeping an eye on Kratos.
As you can surely imagine, all the drama in his life has taken a toll on poor ol’ Kratos emotional health. He is in serious need of some Dr. Phil action, because he is crabby as hell. There is also his aforementioned complexion to consider: boyfriend is super ashy and desperately needs to add the words EXFOLIATE and MOISTURIZE to his vocabulary. All negative aspects aside, Kratos has got it goin’ on. Looking at his six-pack makes me wonder if four or five chocolate martinis a day is doing anything to help me maintain my girlish figure. To go along with his abs of steel, Kratos has pecs that look like they could crush walnuts.
Who would’ve thought a blood thirsty beefcake like this would be into cosmetics? Looking at those dramatic red markings, it’s obvious Kratos has rock star taste in makeup and makes frequent visits to the MAC Cosmetics counter. If the brutal warlord gig ever goes bad, Kratos could easily land a job as a makeup artist on tour with Lady GaGa or Adam Lambert. The whole package is wrapped up with the most masculine skirt you’ve ever seen, and some ruggedly handsome gladiator style sandals that could easily be spotted on a runway in Milan.
Despite his personality flaws, is Kratos the kind of guy you’d bring home to your mother? He is easy on the eyes (except for that skin…BLEK), which helps distract from all the icky blood he likes to sling around. He’s got a great wardrobe that is centered around the ancient Greek chic which was skirts, sandals, and swords. Along with this, he’s starring in a game that gives you a story with more twists and turns than an episode of As the World Turns, and he has incredibly avant garde tastes in clothes and makeup. God of War is bound to please any gamer regardless of age, gender, or sexual orientation.