Here’s how in 8 easy steps.
1. Turn off all the lights, close your eyes, grab some scissors, and chop your hair up. The worse it looks the better.
2. For pants, you must only wear jeans that are tapered, too-tight, too-short, and tucked into the tops of your shoes. If they are tight enough for the poached egg effect* then that’s even better, and hipper. When it’s hot out, you can roll them up for that dashing, European man-capri look.
3. Go to the thrift store and get as many moth-eaten cardigans and knit beanies as you can find, because you will be wearing them year round, rain or shine.
4. When your grandpa is sleeping, steal the glasses he’s had for the last 50 years and wear them. If his prescription is too strong, pop out the lenses and just wear the frames. For sunglasses, try to buy some at the dollar store. Men, get women’s styles. That’s about as hip as it gets.
5. At any given moment, be prepared to say or do something wildly age-inappropriate that will alienate everyone around you. Like these two kids:
6. Buy some pointy dress shoes and wear them with EVERYTHING!
7. Men, grow a mustache. No sideburns, or beard, or anything. The ‘stache is back! The bigger and bushier the better. If you can, try to get some wax and curl the ends.
8. To match your emaciated brain, you should also be very thin. Try not to eat if you can avoid it. It’s best to live off of MD 20/20, and PBR. Or cough syrup.
However you decide to be a hipster, just remember: if it’s old, ugly, rude, obnoxious, or disgusting, it is HIP! Just do your own thing and you’ll be a true individual.
*”Poached eggs” are when a man’s pants are so tight, the seam in the crotch goes up and in between his testicles, forcing them out into a bulge on either side. Think of it like male camel toe.
Image credit: look at this fucking hipster